I was relatively young when I was exposed to the evils of the world. I recall the first time I self harmed, I was told by someone I cared about but had mistreated me, that I would not have the guts. They had done it themselves but one to prove a point, similar to a dare. So I did, I felt something I could not explain. I was 16 years old and that continued for 8 years.
During these episodes I would write so I had a valid record of my state of mind and trigger points. Did this arise from my mature mind or my love of Psychology, I am unsure. I would write about how I hated myself and how I punished myself, I revealed my darkest thoughts and desires. I kept journals from 16 years to, well still now I guess.
I was always able to rationalise with myself, I knew exactly what made me sad, why I felt worthless and why I did the things I did. I would realise that I had addictions, which is why I bounced from to another. I aimed one day to publish them, hoping someone may gain some help from it. I knew I was weak and allowed myself to let others push their negativity onto me but being exposed from such a young age, made one thing occur on top of another.
I have mentioned previously all the negative things that had happened but I did not speak of the lesser things like being attached with a knife, being stalked, followed by people and the list goes on. I always knew I had to change. I spent several years picking my life apart and myself. I had to learn how to deal with life without being dependent upon anything.
I did, about the only thing that I rely upon now, is my medication for pain etc. Psychologist and counsellors state you have to be good to yourself, change, deal with the issues and other related techniques to their own issues.
I know I am timid, sensitive, I have OCD, I am loyal, I can manipulate, I can in-adversely make someone feel bad. I know every good part and every bad part of my personality.
Obviously I have memories, however they can be distorted and they can differ from actual events. Mine is made worse through lucid dreaming and night terrors. I do still think about the past, however I am completely different. What has remained is the constant upset from people, the drama, people making me feel worthless. I do cry as it’s my only natural way of releasing tension. What interests me is; nothing great has truly changed, I have not moved on, as like my younger traumas it’s been one thing on top of another. Clearly the past does not consume me, however I do have moments. My tolerance levels and the way in which I reacted was truly the only thing to change. It was significant to my life but in a reality it was a mere shift in behavioural patterns.
It is recommended in therapies to teach you to teach your inner child. I live with mine, I believe the reason why I do is because I never had the chance to separate myself and move on. I still enjoy things I used to as a child, I get excited over the sound of the ice cream van, or my teenage pop-star crushes. I know this is probably due to the trauma of my childhood and events still occurring. I know every facade of my personality.
I have a great house, a perfect husband, dog, cat, lots of beautiful things around me. If you told someone like me, back then in my confused state and self hating mind, that I would be living this life, I would not believe you. This is because so many negative kept happening. I could clearly not change events from occurring but my negative and depressed persona were creating it. As someone who has suffered I am not insinuating that I attracted it. However I believe I was attracting negativity. Life is still negative, it’s my life, I have days where I think “How much more can one person take”. It passes me by until the next time. Until the next negative event. You cannot change other people, only yourself. It is not identified through therapy that bad things will continue to happen, this is what causes some people to panic and become more resistant to change and positivity.
An example would be; ” He will leave me”. So I become closed off or paranoid and check his phone. He feels as if he can’t cope and leaves, thus proving you were right
(I did not do that!).
We behave in a certain manor and by doing so we subconsciously change the outcome. I know nowadays I get upset, have sleepless nights, I have a few wobbles about low self esteem, this is a way of processing and soon passes. The reason? I do not dwell, I allow it to run it’s course. I know I will be okay. Back then I was detached, work was robotic, I was only happy under the influence of something. The world appeared grey. I now see light, beauty and life can be wonderful. I could not tell that to someone like the old me. I do still think I have a tough life, in terms of life challenges, however shit still happens. I just deal with it, in the only way I can, which is worlds apart from what I used to do. I wanted to end it all but now I love life, granted a different side, the soul, nature but that’s another part of me. I would not risk my life on anything now. People do come out the other side, the past, it does not leave, because it is a part of you. We never may be able to stop things from happening to us but we can learn to deal with them differently. At 40 years old I knew I will not ever, be not affected, as it is not just about experiences, it is part of my personality (Pisces).
I was detached, work was robotic, I was only happy under the influence of something. The world appeared grey. I now see light, beauty and life can be wonderful. I could not tell that to someone like the old me. I do still think I have a tough life, in terms of life challenges, however shit still happens. I just deal with it, in the only way I can, which is worlds apart from what I used to do. I wanted to end it all but now I love life, granted a different side, the soul, nature but that’s another part of me. I would or risk my life on anything. People do come out the other side.
In order to move forward, you have to think differently. I know is hard to tell someone in an altered state of reality to be positive and know that things can get better, is difficult. This is due to negativity reoccurring. However it truly can happen. I do not think any amount of persuasion will have affect. This is because the person has to truly desire change and acceptance of life.