How Thoughts On Self Analysis

I was relatively young when I was exposed to the evils of the world. I recall the first time I self harmed, I was told by someone I cared about but had mistreated me, that I would not have the guts. They had done it themselves but one to prove a point, similar to a dare. So I did, I felt something I could not explain. I was 16 years old and that continued for 8 years.

During these episodes I would write so I had a valid record of my state of mind and trigger points. Did this arise from my mature mind or my love of Psychology, I am unsure. I would write about how I hated myself and how I punished myself, I revealed my darkest thoughts and desires. I kept journals from 16 years to, well still now I guess.

I was always able to rationalise with myself, I knew exactly what made me sad, why I felt worthless and why I did the things I did. I would realise that I had addictions, which is why I bounced from to another. I aimed one day to publish them, hoping someone may gain some help from it. I knew I was weak and allowed myself to let others push their negativity onto me but being exposed from such a young age, made one thing occur on top of another.

I have mentioned previously all the negative things that had happened but I did not speak of the lesser things like being attached with a knife, being stalked, followed by people and the list goes on. I always knew I had to change. I spent several years picking my life apart and myself. I had to learn how to deal with life without being dependent upon anything.

I did, about the only thing that I rely upon now, is my medication for pain etc. Psychologist and counsellors state you have to be good to yourself, change, deal with the issues and other related techniques to their own issues.

I know I am timid, sensitive, I have OCD, I am loyal, I can manipulate, I can in-adversely make someone feel bad. I know every good part and every bad part of my personality.

Obviously I have memories, however they can be distorted and they can differ from actual events. Mine is made worse through lucid dreaming and night terrors. I do still think about the past, however I am completely different. What has remained is the constant upset from people, the drama, people making me feel worthless. I do cry as it’s my only natural way of releasing tension. What interests me is; nothing great has truly changed, I have not moved on, as like my younger traumas it’s been one thing on top of another. Clearly the past does not consume me, however I do have moments. My tolerance levels and the way in which I reacted was truly the only thing to change. It was significant to my life but in a reality it was a mere shift in behavioural patterns.

It is recommended in therapies to teach you to teach your inner child. I live with mine, I believe the reason why I do is because I never had the chance to separate myself and move on. I still enjoy things I used to as a child, I get excited over the sound of the ice cream van, or my teenage pop-star crushes. I know this is probably due to the trauma of my childhood and events still occurring. I know every facade of my personality.

I have a great house, a perfect husband, dog, cat, lots of beautiful things around me. If you told someone like me, back then in my confused state and self hating mind, that I would be living this life, I would not believe you. This is because so many negative kept happening. I could clearly not change events from occurring but my negative and depressed persona were creating it. As someone who has suffered I am not insinuating that I attracted it. However I believe I was attracting negativity. Life is still negative, it’s my life, I have days where I think “How much more can one person take”. It passes me by until the next time. Until the next negative event. You cannot change other people, only yourself. It is not identified through therapy that bad things will continue to happen, this is what causes some people to panic and become more resistant to change and positivity.

An example would be; ” He will leave me”. So I become closed off or paranoid and check his phone. He feels as if he can’t cope and leaves, thus proving you were right

(I did not do that!).

We behave in a certain manor and by doing so we subconsciously change the outcome. I know nowadays I get upset, have sleepless nights, I have a few wobbles about low self esteem, this is a way of processing and soon passes. The reason? I do not dwell, I allow it to run it’s course. I know I will be okay. Back then I was detached, work was robotic, I was only happy under the influence of something. The world appeared grey. I now see light, beauty and life can be wonderful. I could not tell that to someone like the old me. I do still think I have a tough life, in terms of life challenges, however shit still happens. I just deal with it, in the only way I can, which is worlds apart from what I used to do. I wanted to end it all but now I love life, granted a different side, the soul, nature but that’s another part of me. I would not risk my life on anything now. People do come out the other side, the past, it does not leave, because it is a part of you. We never may be able to stop things from happening to us but we can learn to deal with them differently. At 40 years old I knew I will not ever, be not affected, as it is not just about experiences, it is part of my personality (Pisces).

I was detached, work was robotic, I was only happy under the influence of something. The world appeared grey. I now see light, beauty and life can be wonderful. I could not tell that to someone like the old me. I do still think I have a tough life, in terms of life challenges, however shit still happens. I just deal with it, in the only way I can, which is worlds apart from what I used to do. I wanted to end it all but now I love life, granted a different side, the soul, nature but that’s another part of me. I would or risk my life on anything. People do come out the other side.

In order to move forward, you have to think differently. I know is hard to tell someone in an altered state of reality to be positive and know that things can get better, is difficult. This is due to negativity reoccurring. However it truly can happen. I do not think any amount of persuasion will have affect. This is because the person has to truly desire change and acceptance of life.

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The Devils Dance (Poem)

You sit in your little world,

So narrow mindlessly,

So subversive you are to me,

You like it all your own way.

Well that’s not the way it’s going to be,

I’m looking out for me,

That’s the way it’s going to be,

You wanted her so bad,

Then I hope you’re glad.

You twisted with me,

So carefully done but all your

Tainted words, mean nothing now,

Your emptiness, you give to me,

Your darkness, I don’t want to see,

I’ve lived this lie for long enough.

You wanted it all too eagerly,

You’re not the man you used to be,

Your silent words are ringing true,

You made a complete fool of me.

Well that’s not the way it’s going to be,

I’m looking out for me,

That’s the way it’s going to be,

You wanted her so bad,

Then I hope you’re glad.

Pack your bags, you’re gone for good,

This time you’re not coming back,

Because I don’t need you now,

I’m looking out for me,

And that’s the way it’s going to be.

A girl too thin (poem)

I am watching you, watching me,

This bundled chaos, my mind all blank.

The staring and all the whispering,

Where you not once my friend?.

Did you never a knowledge my existence,

What changed? Was it my appearance?.

Did I myself transform, it’s my lost identity.

My voice all dry, hazy words gone by,

Can you not put aside you opinions.

Just maybe stop and ask me why,

Yes I may be a size 8 and frail.

Did you presume I neglected my food,

I was a victim of my bodies curse.

So before you speak, stop and think,

That maybe one day, that could be you.

Tear Drops (Poem)

Please little girl don’t you cry

Save your tears for someone new

The hurt you feel, will heal with time

And there will be no more tears

Little girl.

Wrap up your heart and keep it safe

Save all your sorrow until tomorrow

The gap you feel, will heal with time

And there will be no more tears

Little girl.

What was once lost, will soon be found

Time can heal almost every wound

Have some courage and take hold

And there will be no more tears

little girl.

Escape (Poem)

Wild and free is what I want to be

I want to run far away

Keep on running and never to look back

Wild and free is what I want to be

No need to worry

No need hurry

Wild and free is what I want to be

Free to fly so high

Away from it all

Wild and free is what I want to be

But dream is all I can do

As I will never be wild and free

The Endocannabinoid System and CBD

With the rise of recreational use of weed/cannabis/marijuana, new developments have also arose within research studies and developments of substitutes.

Studies have deduced that the human body has two Endocannabinoid receptors. One in the immune system and the other in the brain, although they may also occur throughout the body.

Therefore the use of cannabis is required to maintain overall health. Our bodies produce cannabinoids naturally and a lack of this can lead to various health conditions.

•Neurological

•Bone health such as Osteoporosis

•Insomnia

•Fibromyalgia

•Irritable Bowel Syndrome

•Inflammation

•Stress

Apparently the use of hemp in its natural form is an essential requirement of the body. The use of CBD is also increasing, although it still has not been regulated in the UK, patients such as myself are being urged to try it. Although it did very little for my pain, it did help me to sleep, which supports some of the claims of the body having low Endocannabinoid levels. Also hemp was used to help suffering with insomnia, back in the days when natural remedies were widely used. In today’s modern world the pharmaceutical industry would lose billions if people went back in favour of herbal treatments. So they disprove it, denying any positive traits.

Having also used Cannabis in the past, I can say, that I felt better, I was not in pain, I was more relaxed. The difficulty with that, is that cannabis is cultivated as phytocannabinoid. That is why the new CBD has the THC taken out. People may be better of opting for the natural hemp over the CBD as this appears to match the cannabinoid receptors more accurately.

I am unsure if all this is a coincidence, given that the government are trying to legalise cannabis, who knows. I tried CBD for 5 months but as it is so costly I opted for Hemp and was before the research had come to light. It is half the cost and does the same thing. The question is, how do we have these receptors? However, it does explain why Cannabis use, has such a great feeling upon the body and mind, I guess it is like injecting a big boost of vitamins to the body.

What I also find interesting, is that I was diagnosed with a majority of the symptoms listed as deficiencies at the age of 19. Aged about 22 I smoked cannabis for about a year and apart from the addiction and the side effects, I felt great. I am now 40 and trying Substitutes. Is that mere coincidence, I am not sure. Maybe my body has struggled without it, especially after being exposed to it.

As the body produces this in almost the same manor it does with everything else, many people can live being unaware. I suppose it’s similar to glucose, you do not think about it until your body does not produce enough/too much insulin, then you require a substitute medication.

This is a subject I am certainly interested in and look forward to further tests and studies being made.

A Mother’s Plea

When you were born, you did not come with a manual, a clear set of instructions.

I had to fumble, learn my way, making mistakes along the path.

I regret the choices that I made but we make them in haste and then it is too late.

I was trying to find my place, to grow, develop and find my feet.

I had to be a mum and but there was also me, my thoughts, my feelings, my life.

I am sorry if I chose me over you, if I was selfish, self absorbed and depressed.

I want you to know it was just life and all the badness that came my way.

That made me separate, Distant and blue, please know, that it was never you.

For you were all I had, my beautiful and happy boy.

With eyes so blue, a smile so sweet, loving and caring to the bone.

I never meant to make your life hard, to make you feel unloved or not wanted.

You are my baby boy and I love you more than life itself.

I am sorry if it was me, who made your life bad, if that is why you are trying to forget.

I did my best, I want you to know, if I had the chance I would write my wrongs.

Life is not that easy, for you did not come with a list, a guide to do it right.

I was young, too young to learn, my fortitudes had not yet been learned.

I am sorry that you were there, to pay the price, along my hurtful journey.

If I had waited, until I was older, I may have made a million other choices.

But you still would not have come with a manual, a guide, a set of instructions.

There is never a day that I regret, or desire that you were never here.

Do you wish I were a better mum, more understanding, supportive and less me.

There is nothing I can do, to say the least, I hear your words but they still hurt.

To not have you here cuts to the core, looking at statuses, pictures and people.

For they all have imperfections too, yet they get to see your beautiful smile.

They get the chance to be part of your life, the milestones, days and children too.

I only wanted the best for you, a decent life, a goal to have.

For that I have no remorse, as I never wanted to see you struggle.

So my son, please hear your mother’s plea, I love you just as much as the day you were born.

I lost my breath ( Poem)

I turned around and time stood still,

For you looked at me with awe and captivation.

It pulled me from beneath the cavernous hole,

Out from the shadows the lion did emerge.

The black roots within my veins pulsated,

I held out my hand and the veil between you and I, was entwined within a web.

I weaved in and out and stepped through into the wilderness of ice and snow.

I opened my eyes and you were there,

The light inside jolted through in a flash.

The invisible line between you and I,

Was now connected from palm to palm.

Late night ramblings

I have always been a bad sleeper but lately it’s quite worse, I barely get 2 hours sleep. I am becoming emotional and achy through sleep deprivation.

I was trying to pin point when this wave started and it was a few weeks ago. I became increasingly upset at the fact that my son wants nothing to do with me, because I want better for him than smoking weed. It upsets me as I thought I was a good mother but the past 7 years we have become distant, he is another person. He says I over react and he doesn’t want to be around me. It breaks my heart as I feel the cycle is still continuing, he is another person who highlights my faults, makes me feel bad and stays exactly the same, despite his own failings. To top that we are not allowed to spend time with our grandchildren. Everyone else around them gets to be part of their lives, despite having worse faults than mine. What is wrong with me? Why do I struggle to be accepted.

If that wasn’t enough, I was informed my sisters dad has passed away. Unknowingly it stirred up childhood memories of domestic violence and being left to fend for myself at a young age. No one asked how it affected me. I understand my sister was upset but it’s like I didn’t matter because I didn’t like him (for good reason). I guess I just wasn’t expecting the memories to return.

A few days later I was informed that my grandad was dead. Again no one asked if I was okay. There was a history of child abuse so he was estranged from the family. This obviously opened up memories, because what happened to me wasn’t as bad as other family members, I was told after the court case, when I came forward not to tell the family as they had been through enough. Once again I was left to help myself.

It’s the thoughts I cannot stop, usually my techniques work but lately I feel so down. I feel as if I’m not good enough all over again. I know I cannot control other people but it still hurts. My mum used to tell me she loves me but doesn’t like me and now my son doesn’t even have a reason for his animosity towards me, other than I nag him to be better. I just didn’t want him to be using drugs as a way of escaping but I don’t think he does, I think he is dependent but he does not see it. It’s hard as a mother just to accept that, no matter how much I reason with myself. I think life is always going to be a battle for me, I don’t get the chance to love myself as someone is always there, trying to make me feel bad for being me.

I guess negative thoughts are better out than left festering in the mind. What I’m struggling with is, that I know all this, I have lived it, so why am I struggling so much now. I hope by writing it, my mind makes sense of it and I can get some sleep. Don’t get me wrong I would love to always be awake but life is not that way, we need rest. My mind however never switches off, even when I am sleeping I can sense stuff around me and I often know what I am thinking or dreaming of.

Sleep eludes me……….. my mind is hazy, as I ramble on and on, making very little sense.

Take a step, the spiralled staircase,

Deeper and deeper, it has no end.

Up and down, back and forth,

For the mirrors and edges are all the same.

The light that illuminates the room,

Spreads in thirteen colours gold.

Cascading like shards of ice,

Reflecting through the image of two.

The lines are now unformed,

The sparks are strong at force.

Working and intwining the soul,

Bound in body and spirit, deep as red.

Is all the passion that awaits.

The gateway, The mirror

Close my eyes, open my eyes,

I touch the glass, my hand disappears.

A shiver, I quake inside,

I cannot look, as it pulls me deeper.

Shadows, faces and taunting shapes,

I avoid you all of the time.

Every imperfection is raised,

Every mistake stares back,

For you are the gateway to another world.

I have avoided you my entire life,

From as little as three years old.

Today I held out my hand and it remained solid and strong.

My eyes did not delve into the unknown,

A smile, a glow, the room a lit with dust.

All fear had disembarked and floated away,

For the first time in my life,

I looked into the mirror and I was not afraid, as I liked the person staring back at me,

And that is all because of you.

The colours of you (Poem)

There are many shades to my love,

To match all the colours that you make me feel.

You stir up inside, a contrast of emotions,

That are unknown and have no name.

Whenever I think of you, there is a glow,

Of whites, silvers and blues.

Whenever I see you, there is an array,

Of reds, oranges and golds.

Whenever I dream of you, there is a shower,

Of honeysuckles, sapphires and jade.

When you smile at me, and look my way,

I feel every single colour, all at once.

Like an eternal rainbow that is created by your love.

There is no happy ever after (Poem)

How can someone who loves you hurt you so carelessly?

I remember the first time that I saw your face

That smile that melted my heart and troubles away.

The man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with

To bare his children and live that normal life.

How wrong was I to let you close, close enough to hurt me

How wrong was I to be sat here alone, reminiscing

Of what I wanted our life to be.

You said you loved me, spent days and nights with me

And shatter them all, by telling me lies and making me cry.

You made me believe that I was wrong, I imagined it all

When all of the time it was you, creeping around and lying

I was not your girlfriend I was your dirty little secret shun away from all to see, no mention, no sign, no acknowledge of my existence, a tiny faded memory that can be erased.

No fight just a half lived, a walk out of my life,

All the time I was playing house, you were playing me

Taking my emotions and trampling all over them.

People in love stand tall, they tell the world, they become

One another’s life, world and united they stand.

You say you have a home, I am guilty of wanting that home

To be here, here with me, I wanted to be enough

But you just gave up with no baited breath, no regret

When the mistake was yours to correct.

I won’t find someone else like you,

I won’t let anyone close enough to hurt me like that

A deluded girl who wanted you to be her boy

And her only crime was wanting the world to know.

You where hers to love

But you where never hers to keep

She only ever had you on loan

You have a life elsewhere and belong somewhere else.

She just didn’t want to be hidden away, an invisible entity

She just wanted the man she loved by her side

And now she is beside her self, alone, hurt, and wounded

She was so very foolish to expect her happy ever after.

Vision board for inspiration/goal setting

I did not want to share my own as it is a personal thing. I created a vision board last week as I was feeling low with my health and life issues. Not only is it for focus but there is a proven success of people whom have one.

I think the key is to think about things that you would like to attract into your life, change or improve. As you spend time compiling the board by cutting and pasting etc, it automatically imprints into your sub conscious.

For me, I still let other people affect me, partly because I’m an empath and it’s part of my nature. It does weigh me down so I added some positive daily affirmations to my board, which I read before bed and upon waking. I chose 6 subjects that I would like to improve/attract and cut out some pictures relating to the sub categories.

This is also good for positive thinking and a chance to just take 5 minutes time out, as you focus upon the board. Everyone has different things that works for them and others do not attempt anything. I think this is good for people who choose to have a positive mindset.

Love whispers through the air

Standing beneath the apple tree, watching as the apples bruise so easily, just like my heart once did.

The golden leaves fall from above, covering the green grass and then land upon my feet and in my hair.

All of the time, I wish you were here, although I do not know who you are, I know you will be here soon.

Every where looks so golden and all the leaves not yet fallen away, as I watch from beneath the apple tree.

The apples so big and fire engine red and they hold the key to pure un dying love of one’s true heart.

Hoping that my words whisper through the air, through the seasons and land upon my lovers ears.

The day so bright, so clear, so much beauty to behold that breathes new energy and life.

I close my eyes, as a soft breeze passes by and I am almost dancing in your arms, underneath the apple tree.

It happens beneath the apple tree where I met you and where our love and life blossoms.

Days have gone by and time has given me the chance to say,

that we needed the space and distance away from each other.

Two seasons have passed and washed it away,

all that was once and used to be.

Things appear just the same as before but time has moved

on and fast forward life and progressed it on.

Resting my thoughts of what used to be mine and know that they have now, since passed and faded to dust.

This wanderous time of life and souls, plays tricks

upon the ages and then it just vanishes.

Time is neither past nor present, it is this moment,

that we find ourselves walking and sleeping in.

The seasons do alter time with subtle changes that,

sometimes we can fail to see, tricks us into believing.

Bringing new life and death, hope and faith,

All good things that are worthy, happens deep within.

We adapt and create new moments in time,

a visible force that hides inside the crest of dreams.

Destiny and fates do now belong, for time does indeed

hold the power and key, we just have to open it up.

Rotton Breakups

Here is to rotten break ups and time old clichés. Bridget Jones move on over as there are no happy endings for some of us singletons.

Happy couples will of course think this a cynical view but it is much easier to say that when you have 2.4 children, a white picket fence and well let’s face it to have someone who stands by you.

For some of us that is a near old past time, some of us end up on the shelf, not knowing why. Yes there are those single people who quite rightly make dating a nightmare scenario, you know the ones m, who dress inappropriately, are so not your type and the types who think you put out on the first date.

Here is to a bottle of wine and an endless list of why some people just cannot manage relationships. Do we have a reason? Probably not, do we have the Bridget Jones scales? High maintenance? Bunny boiler‘s or just neurotic? No in fact there is nothing wrong, yes we have faults but tell me someone who does not.

So why does dating seem a mile stone, a cross to bare. Could it be some of us try too hard, you know women get to a certain age and they panic, the clock ticks, age sets in, they don’t want to be single anymore, now its a stigma to be in your 30’s and be single, they want marriage and kids, instead they face the dinner party scenario or not being invited as your married friends are scared you will jump their husbands. Since when did being single turn us into nymphomaniacs, personally I have a standard and moral obligation but this is lost on others, when your 30 something and STILL single.

Perhaps this desperation takes over and clouds our judgement, do we become neurotic and lose all site of reality in place of this mind set of ‘perfect relationship’ you see we all know a guy will tell us what we want to here but women often know this and play along, so is really their fault.

Yes as women we do make excuses……he will marry one day when it is right, he will tell his parents someday even though you have been together for two years, he will leave his wife when the kids are older because he loves me, he does not call all the time as he is busy, he is stressed that is why we don’t make love, he needs a social life that’s why he spends the whole weekend with his friends, it’s ok we don’t live together as he spends the odd night staying over. Come is this really acceptable? Is this what we have become?

What about when you accept a guy for all his faults and all he likes to do is highlight your own faults. What about if you try so hard but deep down you know he isn’t treating you right, he doesn’t tell you he loves you often, he doesn’t appreciate you as a woman, where do we draw the line.

Guys accept that women are a mystery, miserable sometimes, great thinkers, and they do like to play house and look after their men. For some guys they see this as weakness and take advantage, they are not honest. Look if you’re just after fun, be honest there are some women who like that, if you stop caring tell her, if you have no intentions of marrying her tell her.

My recommendation would be to read a book, ‘why women buy shoes and men don’t have a clue’ its an enlightening read, if that fails stick on some depressing music, drink yourself crazy and count yourself lucky as no woman should be with a man who does not want or love her in the way she wants or needs.

In face why do we get swept away with this idea that we need to be with someone, what’s wrong with being alone, as the saying goes, ‘you are born alone and you die alone’ of course, it’s very pessimistic but I challenge anyone to prove that there is someone out there for everyone. It is just not possible and some of us will reside upon the shelf, at least we know where we are there.

We don’t hold any false hope or dreams, it’s safe and stable. Let’s drink to all the men who come and go and the break ups that always hurt. Let’s face it guys heal more quickly and walk away more easily, in fact they pretty much erase you from their memory. Guys work at what they want and when they can’t be bothered they walk away.

Yes women are not totally blameless, I’m just saying women see relationships differently from men, they like hearts and flowers, they want to feel special but above all they want to share your life, so can you imagine how they would feel when you have a whole other life they are not part of? Or you’re together with someone and you use dating sites, COME on you know it’s not right but how does a woman move forward when you tell her she is paranoid but she stares at a profile where you are looking for other women, paranoia has no evidence but it hurts to find the man you love looks at other women but blames you.

Then the words of wisdom break through , you’re better off without him, your too good for him, he doesn’t deserve you….this is irrelevant did I deserve to be treated that way, to be deluded that I was enough, Adele rightly sings that sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts and in my case it hurts

We have social networking sites, we share our lives on these things but it becomes an issue when your relationship status does not change, why would you not want to tell people your with someone, you check it every day but claim it is not important that you don’t need to tell people you’re not single, in fact let me think, yes the words was, I tell people if they ask but I don’t advertise it.

That is what I am saying, we make excuses that are not a normal response from a guy who loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. We can’t blame the guy when we are to blame ourselves but this is why some of us should remain single, some of us just don’t make the grade we don’t have what it takes to find a guy who can accept you for who you are, to love the good and bad parts, some of us will remain in singlesville till the end of days and just maybe for our heart that is the safest place to be.

Half lived borders

I stand on a line

An invisible line,

on a border

Between life and death.

I’ve lived a live

Behind a mask,

A disguise they’ve seen

I have not been.

On the edge and

Through the times,

We choose the same

Intriguing lies.

A life or death

What do we choose,

My life is neither

I stand on a line.

Is anybody else worried about 5G progression

I believe that when you begin cleansing yourself, such as exercise, crystal healing, reiki, you tend to feel yourself getting bogged down.

I know we live in a technological world and many of us do not not think about what is behind the curtain. People just appreciate and feel addicted to the technology at their disposal.

Very few think about the satellites required , or how WiFi frequencies can affect the human body. Radiation can weaken and penetrate our brain. This can not only lead to physical illness but it drains us, we feel weak, tired and stressed. We can feel detached and somewhat robotic.

I can feel it happening, I get a headache, I feel tired and my mind feels hectic, as if I cannot control my thoughts. There is another aspect of technology such as smart phones, in that we are becoming so obsessed with them that we are not living but living through our phones. I have watched people teach their children to pose, to add pictures onto social media. Photographs are edited, encouraging youngsters to aspire to something that is not real. Parents only half watch school assemblies as they are taking pictures or chatting on social media. People track their spouses using apps. There is so much to mention. 5G poses a risk to our physical wellbeing and technology poses a risk a risk to our mental wellbeing and how we interact and live our lives.

Turning

Setting the scene for something new.

His eyes so blue,

His face so true,

His smile so sweet,

Without deceit.

His arms so warm,

To protect the storm,

His kiss so real,

He’s surely not.

I gave him love,

All what I had.

He turned his words,

To make me hurt.

He took my trust,

It turned to dust.

He blacked my arm

And done me harm.

His eyes so blue,

He was not true.

Living Free, Living Fast

Another day to reminisce, on times that have once been and gone.

Experiences good and bad, ones we cherish and ones we prefer to forget.

Sometimes we never look beyond the things around us.

until one day we are forced to stop, take a breath and question why.

Friends and family may always be around, they may also come and go. In that moment it decides a path, a way of thinking, a force of appreciation.

For how many of us show our love and understanding to those around us. How many of us, take people for granted, without care or regard.

Do not wait until it is too late, it would be nice to just stop by and say hi, or pick up the phone, just because you can and know that it makes someone smile.

Try eating humble pie when ever you can, for life it to short to carry deep and meaningless burdens, even it means reuniting past friends, or burying family grudges.

Cease the moment that you may be in, for nothing in this grand old life is what it seems and there will come a day when you may never have the chance.

I love and appreciate everybody in my life, friends, family and other people I know. I care even if I may not always show it and you enrich my life in many ways, so thankyou for being there.

I cannot escape my prison

I have had countless sleepless nights again, this is nothing new for me. I keep thinking about how I still let other people affect me. I think it is hard to completely remove oneself from certain situations.

I ponder all what I have been through and how I pulled myself through it.

When I was 4-5 years old my grandad asked me if I wanted to touch his private parts. When I was around the same age he kissed me on the lips.

When I was 7 years old my step uncle kissed me goodnight and stuck his tongue in my mouth.

At the same time I witnessed domestic violence.

I started suffering emotional abuse from about the age of 10 years old and could not form friendships as I had to babysit my sibling.

At 13 years old I was kind of forced into sex, I was physically abused several times over and faced emotional and psychological abuse that still remains. Because I knew and was besotted with the person, I did not realise how bad the events were.

At 14 years old I became a mum.

At 16 years old I self harmed, turned to drink and had bulimia.

At 19 years old I tried cocaine and couldn’t form relationships well. I was diagnosed with a rare illness.

At 23 years old I turned to cannabis and became highly addicted, after a year I realised I had an issue and stopped, just as I did with the coke and alcohol. I stopped self harming as I attempted suicide. Well I cut across my wrist but it wasn’t deep. It frightened me as my child deserved better. All my addictions were outside the home (work, going out etc).

I encountered toxic relationships, things at home were strained and I had no escape. I would walk aimlessly, my mind so full. I had faced years of people either abusing me in some sort of way, or people telling me I’m miserable, ugly, no one would ever want me, I have a horrible smile, I’m weird, I dress funny, and the list goes on.

I had no self confidence, I did not know who I was as a person. The only thing I thought I was good as, was being a mum. Recent years (my child’s behaviour) has contradicted that.

I take full responsibility for be own actions, the bad or dangerous choices I made at times but I did not deserve what happened. It moulded me, I was lost. I was bullied at work, I just always feel like a goldfish in a bowl. I go shopping and people stare, I just dislike people at times. I am constantly the brunt of other people’s negativity. People seem to think they are okay to highlight my faults. This is why I still struggle today, to have confidence and self belief.

I have realised that people expect me to change, yet they stay exactly the same.

I have to work hard each day to stay positive, to have goals etc. It does not come easy, it is emotional and exhausting at times. My past is always there, as it is me, it shaped and moulded me. I have many good techniques in place but it is still a battle. We have to keep trying, keep moving forwards, keep talking and keep standing our ground.

I have always been complex, so very few people can deal with it when I break and confide in them. This is somewhat ironic when people say I’m secretive and do not talk, yet when I speak up I am faced with ‘it will be okay’. I could tell myself that (laughs).

Everybody needs somebody but just sometimes we need ourselves, we need to be good to ourselves.

Chemical Balances

Sexual Bio-energy

Dopamine, Oxytocin and Prolactin,

are all present within our sexual energy, Dopamine is present in most addictions and people substitute addictions when they have low Dopamine or Oxytocin levels.

Many couples fail to explore their bio chemicals during sexual practises and in most cases early jaculation reduces bio levels and this can in, many cases cause stress and failed orgasms.

Low levels of dopamine

Addiction

Depression

World looks colourous

Lack of drive

Inability to love

Low libido

Erectile dysfunction

No remorse about personal behaviour

ADD/ADHD

Social anxiety

Sleep disorder/interuption

Normal levels of Dopamine

Motivated

Feelings of well being

Pleasure in accomplishments

Healthy libido

Healthy risk taking

Sound choices

Realistic expectations

Maternal/Paternal love

The same, more or less applies for Prolactin, but also includes weight gain for woman, headaches, in men, impotence decreased tesosterone levels.

When any of these symptoms occur the bio chemicals are often over looked and the oxytocin can be increased by a mere cuddle, as it increases the bio energy.

Karezza which is a traditional sexual technique and one that has improved many couples sexual satisfaction and general well being. Uses a time rule and appreciation of each others bodies. This study was used on many different couples and the success rate was high.

When levels are low we are often told to exercise that increases the Endorphins but again bio chemicals are equally essential and can do wonders to peoples lives when used and balanced correctly.

I feel wronged and robbed!

Many people may not know of Doreen Virtue but for many years she has almost been the sole practitioner of new age spiritualism. Doreen has discussed many topics from Angel encounters to Chakras.

I myself have followed her works. She was passionate and what could be deemed as ‘immersed into spiritualism’.

Her products such as books and Angel cards are not cheap. I could go on and on however I have a point. Doreen denounced New Age Spiritualism and is now Christian, claiming that the former is the devils work.

Although I do not disagree with development or people changing their views, I do however have an issue with the whole process. I believe Doreen and other people in similar situations should be accountable, especially when where they have made a living from their chosen subjects. Many people believed in her words/works and dedicated their time and money to her, only to be rejected, lied to, left out of pocket and more than anything confused.

I appreciate she may be in conflict, I will not get into that but any public figure whom makes money from selling their product should have some legal accountability as it is a form of deception.

The Horrors of the Night

Fear

What are we to do

When we are awake all through the night.

Each sound, I jump, each move I’m agitated.

Tearing at the bed clothes, tossing and turning, my mind it just won’t stop racing.

A trip to the toilet promotes anguish at every turn, a walk to get a drink, to drench my sand papered mouth, is fear within itself.

The shadows, the pelting rain against the windows, the howling of the midnight air, the darkness of my dreams.

For am I asleep or am I awake? I cannot always decipher. The night terrors have me frozen in time.

My heart beats so loud, my skin all clammy, my hair dripping wet, for this is not just any old nightmare.

I awake over and over, is it night, is it day? For the fear it just won’t leave. It’s deep within and it’s here to stay.

A disturbed sleep, tossing and turning, is it me, is it them? Am I here, am I real? For I get lost in worlds between.

Pleasure of You (Poem)

I am going to think of you, I am going to undress for you,

as you pull me closer and drench my golden skin.

 

Feel my tantalising lips as they indulge your dreams,

feel my senses rise as you pour beneath my flesh.

 

Let your hands free to explore my darken fantasy

as you awaken the sleeping parts that have taken me.

 

Feel my desire as I tease your trembling thoughts,

feel my energy as it reaches the higher states.

 

Shower my spirt with your sexual remedies

as I taste your worldly fruits as they un earth.

 

Feel my sensual touch, as it caresses your domain,

feel my power as I hold your heart near mine.

 

Watch closely as your fear begins to unfold,

and explode each time we slowly embrace.

 

Feel my silken legs, and sweet smelling skin

feel my shaking nerves now you have pleasured me.

 

As you grip my hands and our bodies lock as one.

and then we explore once more, over and over again